I need a hero

December 8, 2007

Dear MacGuyver,

I have 35 cents, a watch and an empty Mountain Dew bottle sitting next to me on the hotel desk. I have the remote control perched on the edge of the desk ready to leap if I turn too fast away from my laptop. My cell phone is grey. My ipod is silver. The phone is a dirty taupe. There is a thermonuclear device across the room by the bed surrounded by a laser grid that will detonate the bomb if crossed and I need to find a way to get to bed. Please help.

Sleepless and terrified in Charlotte


December 10, 2007

Dear Sleepless,

The character MacGuyver is a trademarked name from the Paramount company. My name is Richard Dean Anderson. I am no longer portraying this character even at conventions. I've moved onto my appearances as Colonel Jack O'Neill from the Stargate series. I am an actor. I do not have the expertise to dictate thermonuclear mechanics nor could I even fathom how to disarm a bomb with 35 cents, a wristwatch, an empty bottle, a cell phone, an ipod and a crappy hotel phone. Please refrain from sending these emails my way in an attempt at a response. I appreciate your continued appreciation of a role I played decades ago, but it is time for all of us to move on. I have and so should you.

Sincerely,

Richard Dean Anderson

P.S. Tune into Stargate SG-1 on the Sci-Fi channel now playing every week night at 10pm eastern and twice on Saturday at 2 and 3 pm eastern.





December 10, 2007

Dear MacGuyver,

I do not require your expertise in the area of thermonuclear mechanics. I have no issue with the presence of the bomb. I just need to get to bed without setting off the laser sensors. I have now been sitting awake in the desk chair for 78 hours and truly need your help soon lest I fall asleep, slip from my chair and set it off. Please help at your earliest convenience.

Still sleepless and terrified in Charlotte (now with a numb ass)

P.S. If it helps, the 35 cents is broken up into a quarter, a dime and a nickel and my wrist watch has indiglo.



December 12, 2007

To whom it may concern,

We at the firm of Lawson, Turner and Bloomstein are contacting you in regards to the potentially threatening emails being sent to our client, Richard Dean Anderson. Please refrain from further communications including the word 'bomb' and any references to our client, RDA, as 'MacGuyver' or a suit will be filed and an injunction obtained.

Cordially,

Brian Lawson, Attorney at Law

P.S. I believe you can use the backlighting displays of your ipod, cell phone and watch combined with the change in the bottom of your dew bottle to aim the lights at the sensors until you reach your bed.

P.P.S. Our client is under contract to remind you to tune into Stargate SG-1 on the Sci-Fi channel now playing every week night at 10pm eastern and twice on Saturday at 2 and 3 pm eastern.