Everyone can be normal

He spent his early years as a celebrity. Everyone recognized him in every store and even impersonated his accent. He was a well known and well loved face even if a bit odd to look at usually. However, after years in the spotlight, he decided it was time to take a bow.

His former celebrity friends begged him not to go through with it. You won't be you anymore, they would say. Your life will be over, they claimed. He didn't care. He needed to get away from it all and so to Dr. Sherman he went.

The doctor warned him there could be repercussions for such a radical plastic surgery, but he did not care. Dr. Sherman ran him through a video compiled by friends and family begging that the plastic surgery not happen like an intervention of sorts. It ran 47 minutes including video from a lifetime of commercials and print ads bringing joy to families throughout the ages. His look was called timeless, but this was no deterrent. His timeless look was what kept him from achieving anything in his life beyond the same typecast role he had played for an eternity.

After much arguing and eventual waivers signed, the controversial surgery began. The first to go was the oddly long chin and bumpy skull that prevented a normal hairstyle for the past half century. The next move was to brighten the skin tones by thinning the skin near the blood vessels in the face. His pointed nose was cut back and his pointed ears curved down. His entire skin and tissue structure was given a fresh pint of blood from a normal person to begin the transformation. The needle pierced the skin bringing in the fresh blood when he started to react as the doctor had feared.

He began convulsing and shaking against the restraints that had been placed just prior to the infusion. His new face contorted into shapes never seen before in his previous works. After the bag was half emptied, his body lay still again. Dr. Sherman's assistant handed the defibrillator paddles to the doctor managing to get the heart beating long enough to empty the bag into his body, but that was as far it went. The surgery was a failure and a success. He would live that life he had so recently abandoned no more.

With the story told, today we mourn the passing of Count Chocula. In life, he was a cartoon vampire offering chocolaty goodness to children. In real life, he was just dead. A cartoon vampire can not become real as vampires are not real. A beating heart would negate his reality and thus he fell. Mrs. Chocula and the family thank you all for being here and hope you understand the reason for the closed casket funeral. The family has nothing but grief left for the passing of this great chocolate lover and hope, at very least, this will serve as a warning to others looking to undergo a similar procedure. We are looking at you, Frankenberry. Don't let us down.